Conflict Matters, Communication Helps!

Most couples coming into my practice say they need help with communication. The desire to communicate effectively is usually spawned from conflict that feels messy, unresolved or ongoing.

Conflict arises out of expressing individuality, authentic needs and desires, and can build closeness and trust. If everyone in your life was exactly the same as you, perhaps there would be no conflict, but what a strange world that would be.

There is so much that can be explored when considering effective communication in your relationship, here are just a few:

-              Consider your state of mind and nervous system: when engaging in collaborative communication you and your partner(s) need to have time, energy and willingness. If you are emotionally flooded take a break and come back when you are both ready.

-              Consider the problem: sometimes the issue is clear and often it’s relational. There is always more than one perspective. It’s helpful to clarify needs and try to separate thoughts and feelings. If the discussion gets off track or confusing, pause and ask for clarification.

-              Avoid bringing up the past, accusing, comparing or threatening: if you can stay in the moment and remain curious it will help to get through the immediate issue. Often there is old hurt from past experiences. If the goal is to work together and grow, it’s most helpful to approach the issue in the present moment.

-              Design a solution that works for everyone: often folks talk about compromise as being a helpful end goal, but compromise results in no one getting their needs fully met. Conflict resolution is chosen based on many constraints and it’s not always wrong; Avoidance and Accommodation, as well as Compromise has its place. Ideally you will have a chance to Collaborate resulting in everyone getting their needs met.

Every partnership is different. Depending on external stress, cultural expectations, personal experience of conflict and much more, the way your family communicates will differ. Sometimes one method of resolving conflict, though not ideal, might be the only option for the current situation.

If couples/family work feels like too much now, then taking responsibly for your own reactions can become the focus. Learning to regulate your emotions, taking a break when needed and planning for response can help. The ‘If/Then’ exercise can help you to individually plan your response and could become a collaborative tool in the future. For example, ‘If my partner uses sarcasm and I feel defensive, Then I will take a breath and ask for clarification’.

It often helps to have the opportunity to practice in the therapy room which is what I hope to provide through a relational style and a variety of modalities. A specialized focus on relationship dynamics and conflict resolution means I can support my clients through self-reflection and offer tools for navigating conflict in their own lives.

No AI was used in the writing of this piece.